First and foremost. Welcome back to the ether. My deepest condolences to you and your family, and best wishes through this time of struggle.
Memento Mori sounds like a cheesy, stoic phrase for podcasters until you truly ponder life & death, or have your life deeply impacted by it. I lost my Dad at a very young age. He had just finished his graduate degree, found his dream job, and had begun making plans for lots of activities and travel with our family. Then cancer took him before he had the chance to enjoy any of that. He was 42. My wife currently works in a Neuro-Critical Trauma ICU. She sees a wide range of life-changing cases in people of all ages. Sometimes older adults, sometimes people younger than us (we are both mid-thirties). She sees people who waited until retirement to take their sailboat around the world, only to have a stroke a month into their retirement and never put the boat in the water, or a twenty-two-year-old get pushed into a moving train downtown and suffer a major TBI and paralysis. We are both unfortunately intimately aware of how short life can be and how quickly it can change.
So we travel. As long and often as we can. Because we want to be able to see the world while we still can. I can't tell you how many times we've been to places and had conversations with retired folks we meet, who tell us they wished they'd started earlier. Wished they'd made "living" a priority. It's why we eat well and train often. I understand this comes from a place of privilege. We both have well-paying jobs, generous work flexibility, and no children. But it's also what we put the highest priority on. Maybe someone can't travel the country, but they can still put a priority on living for the things that make them the happiest. Sitting at a park watching their kids play instead of working an extra hour. A nap by the local lake. Building a model in the kitchen. People tell us how careless we are all the time, but I've learned the proper response is simply "Our priority is seeing as much of the world as we can, before we can't."
*It's important to note that we don't finance our trips. We plan the big ones out ahead of time and save up for them. We've also stayed in a LOT of roadside motels and had the "Continental Breakfast" for breakfast while stuffing muffins and bananas, and the occasional waffle, in our pockets for lunch.
Thank you so much for opening up about this topic. I hope you find the healing and growth you need in this time
Hi David, thanks for your kind words, and I'm sorry to hear about your dad, that must've been tough. The family health issue I vaguely mentioned in my post is also cancer, so I know the life-changing impact that can have, we're in the midst of it now. I'm glad to see it's motivated you to live a rich and fulfilling life now, while you have it. For many years I definitely think I took a long life for granted, now I'm rethinking that and trying to really face the harsh reality that this will all be ending someday.
Thanks for sharing how you're approaching life, I've roughly come to a similar conclusion regarding travel. My wife and I moved to a new country with a "now or never" attitude and I'm so glad we gave this a shot, even if I someday move back to the US I will be forever glad we took the plunge while we were still young and healthy enough to enjoy it.
As you get older and frailer, it's incredible how many experiences get "crossed off the list" because you simply are not physically able to do them. If you have a bad back you can no longer go horseback riding. Bad knee you can't do even easy hikes. Cancer can completely derail everything.
I know a CEO who worked crazy hours and made tons of money. He finally retired and his wife passed away at 65 just as they were supposed to embark on their retirement years. No one is guaranteed a good long life, so I'm with you - live while you can.
I've been hanging around more retired people lately and the happiest ones are still traveling, embracing life, and doing things. The most miserable ones seem to have a lot of regrets, that are now too late to change. I don't want to be that "grumpy old man".
I also agree discretionary time and travel is a privilege that not everyone can do. That's one thing I liked about my father-in-law. He did take occasional road trips, but he lived a completely fulfilling life mostly in his own neighborhood and found contentment in that.
Thanks for this, Dave. We hope Karen's family took comfort in their father's incredible support at the service. He sounds like a great man.
A Ronald McDonald House Charities New Zealand founder, Lionel Whitehead used to speak on writing one's own obituary as a yearly habit on their birthday. I try to remember to do it but usually forget. It's a good habit to get into as it forces oneself to consider how they will be remembered, what they wish to be remembered for, and guides one's efforts throughout the year.
Another plan of attack for when one is feeling melancholy, and truly the only cure for depression, is to get out of one's head and focus on helping others. Go to the homeless shelter and volunteer, a soup kitchen, go fix things for the Salvation Army or St. Vincent DePaul Society to sell, or visit the infirmed in the hospital who have no visitors. Stop thinking inwardly and start thinking outwardly. It works.
Mostly, I think we all need to remember that we are all God's beloved. Great or small, "normal" or not. His Love knows no bounds, but we are bound to treat each other with such grace to be truly happy.
Hey Ken, thanks for commenting, glad to hear from you. Someone else in the comments mentioned writing an obituary, I've never done it, but I think I'm going to give it a shot. It will be a nice way to regain some focus and clarity after a tumultuous few months.
I also like your comment on getting out of one's head. I definitely ruminate too much about everything. My father-in-law was more of a "go do something" kind of guy, and less of a "ponder my navel" kind of guy, and I think that approach to life served him well.
He also had a simple faith, God told him to care for others and he just went and did that in his own neighborhood. Whether motivated by spirituality or not, if more people did this the world would be a better place.
Thanks Dave for sharing this. It touched me and made me reflect. Community is very important. I moved to a small paradise during Covid in BC but it is extremely difficult to find friends here. I am addicted to the beauty in nature here but feel the absence of community deeply. I think your father-in-law’s engagement within his community was nourishing him. Connection is important.
I hope you and your family recover soon from your health issues. Nothing is important when our health is not there.
Hi Acey, thanks for reading this and for your kind words. Choosing where to live and find community can indeed be tricky. It’s hard to find a place where you can get a job, enjoy the environmental surroundings, and also make good friends. Sometimes you have to sacrifice one or the other criteria for a period of time. I loved living by the ocean in Los Angeles but found it very difficult to make good friends there.
Why has it been hard for you where you live, are there not people your age, or do you think it is something else?
Age is part of it. I’m 45 and the average age here is 35.
It’s a performance town. Rock climbing, mountain biking are the main activities and are solo so it makes people very self-centred. But also I find that west coast culture is shallow compared to that of the east coast and conversations rest on the surface.
You are right about priorities. I see they shift in different phases of my life.
It’s interesting how geography affects socialization and relationships. I also found the west coast (of the US) full of fun things to do but ironically harder to make friends. It’s almost like the over abundance of activity possibilities made people have more fomo thus they never want to commit strongly to investing in relationships, as there was always something more interesting to do. Small towns with fewer activities seemed to cause people to turn toward each other more and hang out more often. But those smaller towns often don’t have as many employment opportunities. Tough to find the right balance.
I never looked at it this way. what you say about the reverse relationship between number of activities and human connection works here. But I also lived in Europe and in my last visit to Paris, I realized that people even look at each other more. I think space also plays a big factor because you need to share less space in smaller or more crowded cities, people become more mindful. I’m going everywhere with this and finding counter examples. There is a mix of reason, culture, geography, size, demographics, and history.
I’ve never lived in Europe but it does seem like people hang out with each other more, and you do make a good point about proximity and less space, and I will throw in walkability, it seems like those factors would cause you to run into neighbors much more than say the suburbs where you drive everywhere and the homes are so far apart that you could go months without talking to your neighbors or even seeing them.
Sending much love to you and your family during this time. Thank you for writing such a personal article, it’s got me focusing in on what and who my priorities are
Like the others who commented, this post touched me deeply. I don’t always read every post I receive on Substack but I am so happy that I had the time to read your post today.
We must be around a similar age and wisdom in that I too have found the challenges of health and the importance of funerals in this stage of life I am in.
The funeral is my most loathsome of activities to attend - as a highly sensitive person with deep empathies I come away absolutely drained emotionally. But it is often the deep connections I make in the lineups of wakes and line-ups of the vast number of relatives I never met before and will not likely ever meet again - to take the moment to appreciate their loved one, to be truly thankful and grateful for having met their loved one in life, to share what made them so special to you and what they meant or have done to help you out - or even that you are there for one in their line to console and to embrace one among them and share in their grief and let them know it will be ok and that you have their back no matter their needs…. That is what endures me to attend. Those brief connections to someone I’ve never met to share that I too have suffered loss and still I survive and go on while I have the time on the never ending circle we call life.
Thank you for your beautiful gift of writing. You have an amazing talent and I thank you for sharing it.
My condolences to you and your family on the loss of your father-in-law. He was, as you learned, a special man who touched the lives of those whose paths crossed his, and they have come out of the crossing better having known him. ❤️
Thanks for your comment, glad this resonated with you, and thanks for your kind words. I have been to only a few funerals in my life so this is a relatively infrequent thing for me. I met many of my father-in-law's friends at the memorial, some of whom I met on previous trips while he was still alive, but many that I had never met before. He lived a rural part of the midwest, that I will likely never return to, so I knew I would probably never see most of these people again.
Yet even for an hour or two, it was nice to connect over the life of one man, celebrate his impact on others, and hear how he touched people's lives where he lived. So while it was sad, it was also a good experience for me, and made me grateful for his life and mine. Many things to take away and ponder.
Thanks Rick, I appreciate it. We're winding our way through the ups/downs, it's been hard to focus on work or much of anything else, but I see light at the end of the tunnel finally.
So sorry for your loss, David, and thank you for sharing this piece with us. One thing I'll add that I did many, many years ago and have yet to revisit is to write your obituary. Really forces you to take stock of your life as it is, and how you want it to be.
Thanks Lucy, every now and again I come across the recommendation to write your own obituary, I've never actually done it, but maybe I will, while I'm in this state of mind. I do think it's an interesting exercise where the contents would change over time, but at any age it can help you reconsider what really matters at the end of it all. Maybe this will be a good followup post :)
I just had to comment on this as it felt like your words were speaking to me personally. After years of feeling invincible I too have had a health crisis, having just come back on here recently. A few days ago I asked how do I want to be remembered because, at the moment, it is not like this. I have gone completely off FB and social media, though want to do my blogging through substack.
I have so many shakey things in my life but my friends have been an absolute life-line and family very important. I like you realised the thin line of the virtual world. I announced on a private setting largely that I was pretty broken up and needed time out. I checked in a couple of times and while I had a few messages the people that I consciously try to keep in touch with, liking and commenting on their lives were gone- and these are good people, just trying to make their own way in the world.
I have thought about that memorial service and at the moment all I can see is people's pity and I am so sorry, what a hard life she had who tried to do her best. I too need a simple life. I have tried to achieve, hit the money goals, have the career and want the 'dream life' hating the feelings of envy and comparison. I have prayed and meditated and read Dr Wayne Dyer ' Change your Thoughts, change your life'. I have done the release, the vision boarding, the forgiveness scripts, the constant You Tube search for answers- almost like a toxic positivity, the gratitude journaling and the complete total breakdown and implosion because nothing has worked.
I wanted to be a winner and not a loser but why continuing this way I am loosing out the most. I have said enough but just want to thank you for this post as I shall ponder on all of these questions. I hope to find peace, health and answers again to a happier life.
Hi Helen, thanks for your comment, glad this post resonated with you. Serious health matters absolutely derail your life, and can feel like having a full time job. It's made me realize I need to take care of myself more e.g. diet and exercise.
I hear you on the toxic positivity thing, that's an industry in and of itself that can definitely be helpful when you need it, but it also has a way of overwhelming you and making you feel like you're never doing enough or achieving enough.
One thing I liked about my father-in-law was that he was a driven individual, who was constantly doing things, but he also seemed generally content about living a small, local life. Almost the opposite of what the motivational gurus preach online today. He wrote no daily journal, had no vision board, he never articulated any particular life goals that I'm aware of, and had none of the motivational guru books on his shelf. He was a man of faith so did pray but he had an uncomplicated faith.
I'm also someone who "looks for motivation" and I'm rethinking that strategy now. I think I can live a completely fulfilling life not by achieving more but by being content by having and doing less. It's hard to wrap your head around because the entire online world seems to be telling you the opposite.
Maybe you already are a winner, it's just the guru world is making you feel like a loser? Something to ponder. I wish you the best.
Interesting and very timely article as a number of funerals have come around my life lately. None of my loved ones but my partner’s people. It also brought up the same questions for me. Well, because I’m Queen of Questions and forever pondering… I started a discussion, albeit brief, with my loved ones about this topic. A close family member just said, “Nobody will ever bring up anything negative about a deceased person at a funeral. People always mention the happy moments. It’s just the way things go.” And that’s where the conversation ended because I realized that’s very true. How inappropriate and rude would it be to nitpick the deceased at funerals?
We all have chapters we wish we could tear out, but rest assured, funerals aren’t like social media where people rip each other apart because of our flaws. That’s why we say, “rest in peace.” Unless of course you’re a dictator, pedophile, psychopath murderer, or a pathological selfish person who hurt a lot of people… then the funeral very likely will look different. People won’t, well I hope they won’t, celebrate such shitty individuals.
As long as we (…normal folks…) try to live an honest and caring life, then I believe we’ll also be respectfully sent off to rest in peace in the afterlife—wherever that may be.
I also realized that, fortunately, I will no longer be aware when my body perishes and a funeral will be less about me and more about my loved ones saying their final goodbyes. Funerals mostly offer a moment of acknowledgment that a person is no longer there and to really start the grieving journey for the living.
Thanks Celesté, my father-in-law was not a perfect man, he had flaws like everyone does, but you are right - funerals are no place for discussing such things. He did tons of things well, and it was great to hear his friends celebrate those things. I like to believe that most people are more good than bad, that they're trying their best to do life well, and the small handful of terrible people in the world get more press than they deserve.
First and foremost. Welcome back to the ether. My deepest condolences to you and your family, and best wishes through this time of struggle.
Memento Mori sounds like a cheesy, stoic phrase for podcasters until you truly ponder life & death, or have your life deeply impacted by it. I lost my Dad at a very young age. He had just finished his graduate degree, found his dream job, and had begun making plans for lots of activities and travel with our family. Then cancer took him before he had the chance to enjoy any of that. He was 42. My wife currently works in a Neuro-Critical Trauma ICU. She sees a wide range of life-changing cases in people of all ages. Sometimes older adults, sometimes people younger than us (we are both mid-thirties). She sees people who waited until retirement to take their sailboat around the world, only to have a stroke a month into their retirement and never put the boat in the water, or a twenty-two-year-old get pushed into a moving train downtown and suffer a major TBI and paralysis. We are both unfortunately intimately aware of how short life can be and how quickly it can change.
So we travel. As long and often as we can. Because we want to be able to see the world while we still can. I can't tell you how many times we've been to places and had conversations with retired folks we meet, who tell us they wished they'd started earlier. Wished they'd made "living" a priority. It's why we eat well and train often. I understand this comes from a place of privilege. We both have well-paying jobs, generous work flexibility, and no children. But it's also what we put the highest priority on. Maybe someone can't travel the country, but they can still put a priority on living for the things that make them the happiest. Sitting at a park watching their kids play instead of working an extra hour. A nap by the local lake. Building a model in the kitchen. People tell us how careless we are all the time, but I've learned the proper response is simply "Our priority is seeing as much of the world as we can, before we can't."
*It's important to note that we don't finance our trips. We plan the big ones out ahead of time and save up for them. We've also stayed in a LOT of roadside motels and had the "Continental Breakfast" for breakfast while stuffing muffins and bananas, and the occasional waffle, in our pockets for lunch.
Thank you so much for opening up about this topic. I hope you find the healing and growth you need in this time
Hi David, thanks for your kind words, and I'm sorry to hear about your dad, that must've been tough. The family health issue I vaguely mentioned in my post is also cancer, so I know the life-changing impact that can have, we're in the midst of it now. I'm glad to see it's motivated you to live a rich and fulfilling life now, while you have it. For many years I definitely think I took a long life for granted, now I'm rethinking that and trying to really face the harsh reality that this will all be ending someday.
Thanks for sharing how you're approaching life, I've roughly come to a similar conclusion regarding travel. My wife and I moved to a new country with a "now or never" attitude and I'm so glad we gave this a shot, even if I someday move back to the US I will be forever glad we took the plunge while we were still young and healthy enough to enjoy it.
As you get older and frailer, it's incredible how many experiences get "crossed off the list" because you simply are not physically able to do them. If you have a bad back you can no longer go horseback riding. Bad knee you can't do even easy hikes. Cancer can completely derail everything.
I know a CEO who worked crazy hours and made tons of money. He finally retired and his wife passed away at 65 just as they were supposed to embark on their retirement years. No one is guaranteed a good long life, so I'm with you - live while you can.
I've been hanging around more retired people lately and the happiest ones are still traveling, embracing life, and doing things. The most miserable ones seem to have a lot of regrets, that are now too late to change. I don't want to be that "grumpy old man".
I also agree discretionary time and travel is a privilege that not everyone can do. That's one thing I liked about my father-in-law. He did take occasional road trips, but he lived a completely fulfilling life mostly in his own neighborhood and found contentment in that.
Thanks for this, Dave. We hope Karen's family took comfort in their father's incredible support at the service. He sounds like a great man.
A Ronald McDonald House Charities New Zealand founder, Lionel Whitehead used to speak on writing one's own obituary as a yearly habit on their birthday. I try to remember to do it but usually forget. It's a good habit to get into as it forces oneself to consider how they will be remembered, what they wish to be remembered for, and guides one's efforts throughout the year.
Another plan of attack for when one is feeling melancholy, and truly the only cure for depression, is to get out of one's head and focus on helping others. Go to the homeless shelter and volunteer, a soup kitchen, go fix things for the Salvation Army or St. Vincent DePaul Society to sell, or visit the infirmed in the hospital who have no visitors. Stop thinking inwardly and start thinking outwardly. It works.
Mostly, I think we all need to remember that we are all God's beloved. Great or small, "normal" or not. His Love knows no bounds, but we are bound to treat each other with such grace to be truly happy.
Lots of Love
Hey Ken, thanks for commenting, glad to hear from you. Someone else in the comments mentioned writing an obituary, I've never done it, but I think I'm going to give it a shot. It will be a nice way to regain some focus and clarity after a tumultuous few months.
I also like your comment on getting out of one's head. I definitely ruminate too much about everything. My father-in-law was more of a "go do something" kind of guy, and less of a "ponder my navel" kind of guy, and I think that approach to life served him well.
He also had a simple faith, God told him to care for others and he just went and did that in his own neighborhood. Whether motivated by spirituality or not, if more people did this the world would be a better place.
Thanks Dave for sharing this. It touched me and made me reflect. Community is very important. I moved to a small paradise during Covid in BC but it is extremely difficult to find friends here. I am addicted to the beauty in nature here but feel the absence of community deeply. I think your father-in-law’s engagement within his community was nourishing him. Connection is important.
I hope you and your family recover soon from your health issues. Nothing is important when our health is not there.
Hi Acey, thanks for reading this and for your kind words. Choosing where to live and find community can indeed be tricky. It’s hard to find a place where you can get a job, enjoy the environmental surroundings, and also make good friends. Sometimes you have to sacrifice one or the other criteria for a period of time. I loved living by the ocean in Los Angeles but found it very difficult to make good friends there.
Why has it been hard for you where you live, are there not people your age, or do you think it is something else?
Age is part of it. I’m 45 and the average age here is 35.
It’s a performance town. Rock climbing, mountain biking are the main activities and are solo so it makes people very self-centred. But also I find that west coast culture is shallow compared to that of the east coast and conversations rest on the surface.
You are right about priorities. I see they shift in different phases of my life.
It’s interesting how geography affects socialization and relationships. I also found the west coast (of the US) full of fun things to do but ironically harder to make friends. It’s almost like the over abundance of activity possibilities made people have more fomo thus they never want to commit strongly to investing in relationships, as there was always something more interesting to do. Small towns with fewer activities seemed to cause people to turn toward each other more and hang out more often. But those smaller towns often don’t have as many employment opportunities. Tough to find the right balance.
I never looked at it this way. what you say about the reverse relationship between number of activities and human connection works here. But I also lived in Europe and in my last visit to Paris, I realized that people even look at each other more. I think space also plays a big factor because you need to share less space in smaller or more crowded cities, people become more mindful. I’m going everywhere with this and finding counter examples. There is a mix of reason, culture, geography, size, demographics, and history.
I’ve never lived in Europe but it does seem like people hang out with each other more, and you do make a good point about proximity and less space, and I will throw in walkability, it seems like those factors would cause you to run into neighbors much more than say the suburbs where you drive everywhere and the homes are so far apart that you could go months without talking to your neighbors or even seeing them.
Sending much love to you and your family during this time. Thank you for writing such a personal article, it’s got me focusing in on what and who my priorities are
Hi Marco, thanks I appreciate it, and glad this was thought provoking, it's given me lots to ponder as well.
My condolences, and hope you and your family will recover well 💙
Gonna be thinking about this piece today
Hi Becky, thanks for the kind words, not out of the woods yet but I'm starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. Hope all is going well with you!
Like the others who commented, this post touched me deeply. I don’t always read every post I receive on Substack but I am so happy that I had the time to read your post today.
We must be around a similar age and wisdom in that I too have found the challenges of health and the importance of funerals in this stage of life I am in.
The funeral is my most loathsome of activities to attend - as a highly sensitive person with deep empathies I come away absolutely drained emotionally. But it is often the deep connections I make in the lineups of wakes and line-ups of the vast number of relatives I never met before and will not likely ever meet again - to take the moment to appreciate their loved one, to be truly thankful and grateful for having met their loved one in life, to share what made them so special to you and what they meant or have done to help you out - or even that you are there for one in their line to console and to embrace one among them and share in their grief and let them know it will be ok and that you have their back no matter their needs…. That is what endures me to attend. Those brief connections to someone I’ve never met to share that I too have suffered loss and still I survive and go on while I have the time on the never ending circle we call life.
Thank you for your beautiful gift of writing. You have an amazing talent and I thank you for sharing it.
My condolences to you and your family on the loss of your father-in-law. He was, as you learned, a special man who touched the lives of those whose paths crossed his, and they have come out of the crossing better having known him. ❤️
Thanks for your comment, glad this resonated with you, and thanks for your kind words. I have been to only a few funerals in my life so this is a relatively infrequent thing for me. I met many of my father-in-law's friends at the memorial, some of whom I met on previous trips while he was still alive, but many that I had never met before. He lived a rural part of the midwest, that I will likely never return to, so I knew I would probably never see most of these people again.
Yet even for an hour or two, it was nice to connect over the life of one man, celebrate his impact on others, and hear how he touched people's lives where he lived. So while it was sad, it was also a good experience for me, and made me grateful for his life and mine. Many things to take away and ponder.
Thoughtful post, Dave. Thanks for the reflection. Good luck to you and your family during this difficult time.
Thanks Rick, I appreciate it. We're winding our way through the ups/downs, it's been hard to focus on work or much of anything else, but I see light at the end of the tunnel finally.
So sorry for your loss, David, and thank you for sharing this piece with us. One thing I'll add that I did many, many years ago and have yet to revisit is to write your obituary. Really forces you to take stock of your life as it is, and how you want it to be.
Sending you and your family much love.
Thanks Lucy, every now and again I come across the recommendation to write your own obituary, I've never actually done it, but maybe I will, while I'm in this state of mind. I do think it's an interesting exercise where the contents would change over time, but at any age it can help you reconsider what really matters at the end of it all. Maybe this will be a good followup post :)
I think that would be a great follow-up!!!
I just had to comment on this as it felt like your words were speaking to me personally. After years of feeling invincible I too have had a health crisis, having just come back on here recently. A few days ago I asked how do I want to be remembered because, at the moment, it is not like this. I have gone completely off FB and social media, though want to do my blogging through substack.
I have so many shakey things in my life but my friends have been an absolute life-line and family very important. I like you realised the thin line of the virtual world. I announced on a private setting largely that I was pretty broken up and needed time out. I checked in a couple of times and while I had a few messages the people that I consciously try to keep in touch with, liking and commenting on their lives were gone- and these are good people, just trying to make their own way in the world.
I have thought about that memorial service and at the moment all I can see is people's pity and I am so sorry, what a hard life she had who tried to do her best. I too need a simple life. I have tried to achieve, hit the money goals, have the career and want the 'dream life' hating the feelings of envy and comparison. I have prayed and meditated and read Dr Wayne Dyer ' Change your Thoughts, change your life'. I have done the release, the vision boarding, the forgiveness scripts, the constant You Tube search for answers- almost like a toxic positivity, the gratitude journaling and the complete total breakdown and implosion because nothing has worked.
I wanted to be a winner and not a loser but why continuing this way I am loosing out the most. I have said enough but just want to thank you for this post as I shall ponder on all of these questions. I hope to find peace, health and answers again to a happier life.
Hi Helen, thanks for your comment, glad this post resonated with you. Serious health matters absolutely derail your life, and can feel like having a full time job. It's made me realize I need to take care of myself more e.g. diet and exercise.
I hear you on the toxic positivity thing, that's an industry in and of itself that can definitely be helpful when you need it, but it also has a way of overwhelming you and making you feel like you're never doing enough or achieving enough.
One thing I liked about my father-in-law was that he was a driven individual, who was constantly doing things, but he also seemed generally content about living a small, local life. Almost the opposite of what the motivational gurus preach online today. He wrote no daily journal, had no vision board, he never articulated any particular life goals that I'm aware of, and had none of the motivational guru books on his shelf. He was a man of faith so did pray but he had an uncomplicated faith.
I'm also someone who "looks for motivation" and I'm rethinking that strategy now. I think I can live a completely fulfilling life not by achieving more but by being content by having and doing less. It's hard to wrap your head around because the entire online world seems to be telling you the opposite.
Maybe you already are a winner, it's just the guru world is making you feel like a loser? Something to ponder. I wish you the best.
Interesting and very timely article as a number of funerals have come around my life lately. None of my loved ones but my partner’s people. It also brought up the same questions for me. Well, because I’m Queen of Questions and forever pondering… I started a discussion, albeit brief, with my loved ones about this topic. A close family member just said, “Nobody will ever bring up anything negative about a deceased person at a funeral. People always mention the happy moments. It’s just the way things go.” And that’s where the conversation ended because I realized that’s very true. How inappropriate and rude would it be to nitpick the deceased at funerals?
We all have chapters we wish we could tear out, but rest assured, funerals aren’t like social media where people rip each other apart because of our flaws. That’s why we say, “rest in peace.” Unless of course you’re a dictator, pedophile, psychopath murderer, or a pathological selfish person who hurt a lot of people… then the funeral very likely will look different. People won’t, well I hope they won’t, celebrate such shitty individuals.
As long as we (…normal folks…) try to live an honest and caring life, then I believe we’ll also be respectfully sent off to rest in peace in the afterlife—wherever that may be.
I also realized that, fortunately, I will no longer be aware when my body perishes and a funeral will be less about me and more about my loved ones saying their final goodbyes. Funerals mostly offer a moment of acknowledgment that a person is no longer there and to really start the grieving journey for the living.
Thanks Celesté, my father-in-law was not a perfect man, he had flaws like everyone does, but you are right - funerals are no place for discussing such things. He did tons of things well, and it was great to hear his friends celebrate those things. I like to believe that most people are more good than bad, that they're trying their best to do life well, and the small handful of terrible people in the world get more press than they deserve.